The Dating Scene Is Not What It Used To Be

The dating scene is nothing like it used to be. Re-entering can be downright intimidating for those of us in the 40+ crowd.

After I was divorced about 4 years, I decided it was time to begin dating again. The dating venues of by twenties certainly were not the places I wanted to look at in my 40's.

So I did what most people do, I went online.

I will never forget sitting at my keyboard having just posted my bio and picture online and I received an instant message within 10 seconds reading 'You are Pretty, Talk to me'. I felt sick to my stomach; almost like I had been violated in the privacy of my own home. I closed down the instant message. I felt like meat hanging on a hook. I changed my profile to prohibit instant messaging and took down my photo.

That was my introduction to the world of online dating. But, I stuck with it; partly because I was curious, but mostly because I had already paid 3 months for the service.

I dated for about 4 years, off and on, through various dating sites. Over the years, I learned what worked and more importantly, what definitely didn't work; and I would like to share some tips with you:

Don't Lie - I don't care if it's your age, weight or income... just be honest. Nothing turned me off more than finding out a man lied on his site about an aspect of his bio. If he lies before I meet him; why would I think he won't lie again?
Don't Post a picture - A man should want to meet you because of the content of your bio. State in your bio a photo will be made available upon request. Promptly send one if asked; as well as asking for one in return. If he is unwilling to send you a photo, move on.
Arrange a public place to meet. After a picture is sent, then it's time to either meet or move on. If he only wants to continue talking online, move on... I got online to date; not to find a pen pal.
80% of the men I met on a first date never made it to a second date. For me, there is simply no point going on a 2nd date if we didn't have common values, life priorities and good ole' sex appeal.
Only 4 men made it past date number 3 and only 2 of them ever met my daughter and that was after several months of dating.

I have met some wonderful men during my dating days; unfortunately the majority of them just weren't compatible for one reason or another. I also met men where I'm sure that I left tire streaks in the parking lot when leaving the date as quickly as possible.

I finally did meet my love, Grand Dude online; and it didn't take us long before we figured out we actually had friends in common. It might have taken four years of dating for us to find each other, but we both know the timing was perfect for us.

http://www.steppingintojoy.com/

About the Author

Debbi Dickinson coaches divorced women to move past their divorce and create a new life for themselves mixing spiritual strategy with time tested proven tools. Debbi invites you to take advantage a Free 5-Day Video Guide that outlines some of these tools. http://www.steppingintojoy.com/

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My Marriage Is Perfect - Just Don't Look Too Closely

I will never forget the calls from neighbors the day the 'For Sale' sign went up in our front yard. They were surprised to find out the reason for selling was because of the divorce. They all felt we had a solid marriage. I had succeeded in kidding everyone, including myself, that my life was fine.

Many women get their life priorities mixed up like me. What people thought of me was more important than how I felt about myself. Like many women, I didn't get to that place overnight and didn't even realize I was there for a while.

It usually isn't until we hit some sort of emotional bottom that we are willing to take a hard look at ourselves and the life we are living.

After a while the line blurs between what is our reality vs. the illusion of the reality we work so hard to portray. For many, we begin to lose the essence of who we are at the point where the lines start to blur.

I started believing my false happy married life was in fact my life. But as much as I tried to be happy, on the inside I knew it was a lie.

There were plenty of signs letting me know that life was not happy, joyous and free:

I was in a chronic state of exhaustion. Looking back, I know today it takes a lot of energy to keep up the 'Life is Fine' façade. Putting on the happy face takes an emotional toll on us.I chose not to deal with root cause issues in my marriage, but instead to look the other way. I kept pushing the emotional pain deep within me through self-destructive behaviors.I didn't have close friends. I had a lot of acquaintances in my life. There was no one I could open up with to share exactly where I was at emotionally. I thought as an adult I just needed to 'suck it up' and deal with life alone.

No one wants to look like a failure and we can go to great lengths to put up the façade that 'Life is Fine' as we isolate our emotions.

So what do you do?

For me, I needed to take a hard look at my life and make some new choices. I chose to chart a new course in my life and take ownership of my decisions. One of the early decisions was divorce; which was the best decision for all parties involved.

Most importantly, I knew that I needed to live a life that was true to my values. Not everyone is going to agree with my choices in life; today, I am fine with that. I came to an understanding when I started this new course of living that the one person I need to be true to was myself.

About the Author

Debbi Dickinson coaches divorced women to move past their divorce and create a new life for themselves mixing spiritual strategy with time tested proven tools. Debbi invites you to take advantage a Free 5-Day Video Guide that outlines some of these tools. http://www.steppingintojoy.com/

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Reflections on My Wedding Day

Today would have been my 22nd Wedding Anniversary; our divorce was finalized a few weeks after our 13th anniversary. I find that when the calendar flips to this day each year I focus less on my divorce and reflect more on my hopes and dreams on my Wedding Day, so many years ago.

I had the wedding that all little girls dream about. My father is a minister and not only walked me down the aisle, but married me. Our wedding was held in the garden patio of a hotel in Laguna Beach, California. I can still remember standing and listening to the waves crashing in the background, quieting my nerves as my father read our wedding vows for us to recite. It was a memorable day that I cherish in my heart.

Like many young women, my hopes were that I would raise a family, excel in my career and be happy. I had a lot of ideas around what 'happy' would look like; mostly trapping of 'keeping up with the Jones' and living the 'American Dream'.

As the years progressed, my career continued to excel and I did all the 'happy' things I dreamed about wonderful vacations, golfing, bought a house, learned how to sail and dined at upscale restaurants. In the later years of my marriage we had my beautiful daughter. Although I got what I wished for on my wedding day, I was empty, sad and lonely on the inside.

Once divorced, I had to rebuild my life which took perseverance, taking an honest look at myself and lots of boxes of Kleenex. A group of wonderful friends rallied around me. To them, I am forever grateful. It is through their example of living that I learned to rebuild my life.

Self-discovery is never an easy journey. Take it a day at a time, I was told. Through many tears I learned to peel the onion and get rid of the layers of bad behaviors and misconceptions about myself. At the core I discovered my talents, strengths and values of who I am today. I have learned to embrace and nurture my gifts and through my life have transformed beyond my wildest dream. I embrace life!

Today, I reflect back on my journey over the past 9 years and can honestly say "Today, I'm happy". My happiness has nothing to do with what I do with my time; it has everything to do with the fact that I live in integrity and have learned to love myself.

http://www.steppingintojoy.com

About the Author

Debbi Dickinson coaches divorced women to move past their divorce and create a new life for themselves mixing spiritual strategy with time tested proven tools. Debbi invites you to take advantage a Free 5-Day Video Guide that outlines some of these tools. http://www.steppingintojoy.com/

View the original article here

Quality Communication With Your Children Will Ensure a Better Divorce Outcome!

During and after divorce your children may be hyper-sensitive about many things. What may have formerly been routine conversations, questions or activities can now be touchy subjects fraught with anxiety, resentment or anger. This is understandable when you consider that the stability of the world they knew has been dramatically altered. Minor insecurities can easily grow into major problems. Children may regress in their behaviors and skills, become more clinging - or more aloof - depending on their adaptability and perspective about the divorce.

This is a time to master the art of good parent/child communication so you can reinforce or rebuild trust, security and confidence that things will be okay again - despite the changes inflicted by your divorce.

Here are some solid tips for more effective communication with your children. Master them today and they will work on your behalf for years and years ahead.

• Keep your conversations private - at times when others are not around. This assures a more relaxed connection, more intimacy and safety. Your child is more likely to open up and confide their real feelings when they know they have your full attention. That means close the computer, put down the phone, turn off the TV and let your child know you are interested in what they are feeling and saying.

• Listen carefully to get the gist of what they are saying, even if you don't like the message. Don't interrupt or correct them as they speak. You'll have your turn, but if they don't feel "heard" you are likely not going to have another chance at real communication. Here's where "active listening" skills are a real plus: paraphrase back what you think you've heard, look directly at them, and nod your head to show you're listening. Then ask if you got the message right after you've repeated it.

• Focus more on what happened rather than "why." Allow the entire story to be told or all their feelings to be shared without jumping to judgment. You can still parent, explain your values, and support your decisions while not minimizing your child's right to their own "take" on things. Also remind your child that they are loved and accepted, despite what they think or have done. You can reject the behavior without rejecting the child.

• Avoid the lectures, the smug "I told you so's," the moralizing put-downs or other forms of embarrassing your children, especially if others are around. Instead offer constructive ways to remedy the situation when possible. Brainstorm together. Remind your child that not all challenges can be neatly resolved or agreed upon by all parties. This can be a valuable life-lesson for them shared with empathy, compassion and insight.

While it's often easier to provide negative feedback, try to end your communication in a positive tone. This will encourage additional conversations and their willingness to confide in you again when things are not going well. Find something you can praise in their behavior or their communication so they feel valued and significant. Remember, divorce imposes changes within the family that your children never asked for. With these thoughts in mind you'll deepen your relationship with your children at a time when they need it most!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and the author How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, coaching services and valuable resources on divorce and parenting, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com/

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Questions To Ask Your Divorce Attorney

The first thing to do while you are considering divorce is to talk with an experienced family lawyer. Once you have set up a meeting with your attorney, start making a list of questions to ask him. The questions you ask will help you understand the divorce process better, also, whether the lawyer is suitable for you and your case, how the attorney and his overall office operate.

What Kind Of Experience Do You Have In Family Law?

Family law is a specific field in which you have to specialize in order to be able to take cases such as these i.e. divorce, etc. Several lawyers practice in other fields than family law. Your case will be better aided if you have a lawyer who basically focuses his attention on family law. Make sure your lawyer takes most of his cases that are related to family law as you don't want to end up with a generalist. Separation lawyers are those that only specialize in family law.

How Will You Guide Me Through The Divorce Process?

Your attorney is the one who educates you and guides you through the entire process. Make sure your lawyer explains to you clearly, the complete divorce process; from the little things like filing the request to the major trial process.

What Will Be The Total Cost Of My Divorce?

Several cost factors are out of your control but be sure to ask your lawyer nonetheless, and do not worry if he is hesitant to answer, as it is a difficult question but a very important one as it is.

How Long Will The Process Go On?

Consult your lawyer on how long they think the whole process will take and what their estimate is. Divorce is a lengthy process but it may go swiftly if you settle quickly, which usually happens after you have had a trial.

How Do You Think A Judge Would Rule In My Case Based On My Issues?

Only a lawyer with experience can accurately predict how a judge will rule on a specific issue in your case. Many rulings made in the courtrooms are subjective, as different judges may rule differently on the same case which is why this question may be a difficult one to answer for your lawyer. But make sure you listen to the analysis behind his answer as understanding the facts would help during the case.

If you are looking for separation lawyers Aberdeen, you can always search for them online. You will also find many reputable employment solicitors Aberdeen.

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Options on How to Obtain Divorce Records Today

There are a lot of reasons why individuals would want documentations on annulments. For some, it is crucial to know the marital history of a potential spouse while others need it for legal reasons like child support, property settlement and so on. In America, obtaining divorce records varies from one state to another. Most of the time, they are maintained per county, however following the specified total of years, these documents are transferred and also stored in the state government directory.

Usually, you will find needed vital information at the designated Division of Vital Records of the State. It is the office authorized to accept and release data regarding official split-up accounts and other essential data like birth, death and marriage. Basically, there are three fundamental ways to send request regarding this matter. First is through walk in. Simply appear in person at the aforementioned agency and present valid photo identification card with correct fee. This method usually delivers same day service and so far the fastest way to get a certified vital data.

Second approach is by sending application through the regular mail. Write a letter to the officer-in-charge with details of the account you are requesting like name of the married couple, date and place of separation and reason for obtaining the file. Expect weeks for the turn-around time with this particular method. In fact, some states even take months to process mail requests because of the bulk of claims they are getting each time. Third option is through fax. Remember to include the necessary details in order to locate your sought after data.

Annulment files are generally considered part of public information. Because of this, separation documents of any individual may be accessed by the general public given that proper protocol are used. As mentioned, there are various means to achieve this search. The most recent however is by way of online look up. Today, with the Internet almost dominating the information era, literally any person can get hold of any data without all the kinds of trouble done in the past.

A huge chunk of information can be obtained from an annulment file. They possess the private details of the annulled spouses and offspring like names, ages and dates of birth. You will also find where the matrimony took place, when it happened and who performed the solemnization not to mention financial data, custody, alimony, restraining orders, filing numbers, final verdict among many others. Separated persons also need this as requisite to remarry.

As to the fees, each State requires different fees for the same document. Most of the time, the government provides free divorce records however a small payment may be required to compensate service charge. Since the introduction of computer and Internet, viewing a certain document can be done in one sitting. As result, a lot of companies online took the initiative to provide quality output and top service in this regard. Paid online databanks are so far beneficial to anyone who does not have time for various paper works at public office.

Let us help you learn the facts about Divorce Records before you pick your Free Divorce Records online.

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Successful Custody Arrangements and Visitation Schedules - Getting Along With Your Ex

Caroline has been divorced for seven years. She has two boys and shares custody with their father. Their father sees them every other weekend and though he makes plenty of money as a San Diego DUI lawyer, he pays NO child support. This is because he is "self-employed" and he refused to provide his financial information to the court. His sleazy lawyer tricks prevailed as Caroline decided she would rather not receive any child support than to continually go back to court over it.

Her ex has spent the past seven years making her life miserable. Everything is a battle. He undermines her every chance he gets and causes a lot of stress. Her boys feel the strain of their parent's "relationship". Their behavior changes after visiting their father and they become defiant with her until they settle back in to their normal routine.

Caroline thought she would escape her ex-husband's wrath by divorcing him. Instead, he is ever present in her life and she has eight more years before she is "free" of him. They stick to their visitation schedule to the minute, regardless of anything else that may be going on.

Jessica has also been divorced for seven years. At first, having to deal with her ex was stressful and uncomfortable. Then Jessica decided that she should try to make the best of the situation and made an attempt to get along with her ex for the sake of their kids. Since she was being nice to him, Jessica's ex reciprocated the behavior and attitude.

Jessica and her ex get along and are able to discuss matters involving their children. They are able to attend the same events (like soccer games and birthdays) without animosity or awkwardness. They have a successful visitation schedule and are both willing to accommodate each other's requests whenever things come up.

Their children are well-adjusted and the divorce has been a positive experience for them. They have never felt trapped in the middle or as if their parents are at war with each other. Her boys are happy and have great attitudes when they return from their father's house. Jessica and her ex-husband are able to co-parent and get along. They do so for the sake of their children.

Getting along with the other parent is essential if you want to have successful custody arrangements. You don't have to be friends. You just have to stop fighting and get along. If you treat each other with respect and civility, it will be tremendously beneficial to your children.

Sometimes ex-couples are so volatile that they cannot communicate without fighting. Getting along in this type of situation is difficult. If this applies to your situation, you may want to try communicating with your ex only in writing (such as e-mail or text) and refrain from engaging in confrontational behavior. Ignore nasty messages. Not fighting with your ex is almost as good as getting along.

Learning how to get along with each other in order to co-parent effectively is going to take time and patience. However, you and your children will be better off in the long run for having put forth the effort.

Kelly Turner is an advocate of children's custody rights. Kelly recommends Custody X Change to parents who need help creating a successful visitation schedule.

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